too clean to have alcohol withdrawal symptoms, and yet…

am i seeing double?

have you ever tried searching Google images for abstract or invisible things like air, wind, love, etc? i did and ended up disturbed by the volume of results i got. there were so many images attached to these words!!! i know, i know, i’m being naive to think that i would find blank squares on the results page – the whole thing just bothered me.

["choke me in the shallow water before i get too deep.."]

so now i’m back to searching Google for “house wilson,” “anne dudek’s legs,” “i hate meredith grey,” “george o’malley is sexy,” “jack bauer” – and by that i give away the status of my nightlife for the past months. the closest i get to beer is the smell of it on my hungover friends at work.

(expression of bewilderment on my face.) i AM a mother.

i’m a mom now. (satisfied smile.)

stuck.

I finally submitted my application for graduate studies on Monday. I’m not very enthusiastic about the program, though.. My heart is still on the MA English Studies (creative writing) at UP Diliman, to which I got accepted in 2006. I did not go through with it because of the crazy class schedule – a 4x a week commute to and from Quezon City that meant I had to make up like 20 hours of work every week.

I have put off taking my masters, despite having worked in the university this long, because there are only two programs for a writer here. One of them is a continuation of my undergrad program, which doesn’t interest me anymore, and the other one is a shadow of the MAES in UPD and – who would want the shadow over the real thing? (I hope my evaluators for GS do not come across this entry..)

But now I have a baby who means the world to me and I am not about to become the mother who leaves at dawn and comes back late at night smelling like the city and going straight to the computer to get some work done. I want to LIVE motherhood. So, I finally rest my flailing arms and applied for grad studies right here in Los Baños.

There is a window, though. The program I applied for allows nine units, ergo, three courses, to be taken at UP Diliman. Which means I still have a chance to study under the greats of Philippine lit. Yey.